Why Me?
by LollyPoxx
Summary: Ah, the trials of being a ridiculously good-looking Goblin King...
1. Thus, it begins

**My first Laby fic…tell me how it turns out!**

**DISCLAIMER: you just want to rub it in my face that I don't own Jareth, don't you? Oh well. I own Mousy, so HA-HA.**

**And I can name my goblin whatever I please, thankyouverymuch.**

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I want Mr. Twinkleflamingo back!!!" the little girl screeched at the top of her lungs. Jareth rolled his eyes. _They get more and more stupid as time goes by_, he mused. This little girl had wished away her mother's plastic garden flamingo, simply because she couldn't reach high enough to put a flower on its head.

"Now now NOW NOW!!!!!!!!!!!" the girl's voice increased in pitch with each word.

"Fine, take your damn flamingo!" he threw it at his feet and sent them back both to earth. _That ungodly pink monstrosity wouldn't have made a good goblin anyways._

He rubbed the bridge of his nose and went over the past few runners. There was the Peruvian farmer who had wished away 17 llamas, 3 oxen and an albino peacock. After him came the old lady and her cats—she had puttered around on her motor-powered wheelchair for a good 10 hours before Jareth got bored and transported her directly into the Escher room…she got to the first stair case, ran into it, and tipped over. The most recent was the little girl, and what a fiasco THAT had turned out to be.

"Uh…Your Majesty?" a small goblin tugged on Jareth's (sinfully tight) pants.

"What is it NOW, Mousy?" he shot Mousy what could be a very passable Evil Eye. Mousy wriggled uncomfortably and stammered:

"The girl…Sarah….she just wished away her baby brother…again."

Jareth cursed. "Third time this week! Honestly, she's almost as annoying as you." He cast Mousy one last glare before disappearing in a shower of glitter.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Thanks for reading my story! Hope you liked it. If you review, the Fanfiction Gods will send an army of shirtless Jareths to invade your dreams…**

**by the way, if you guys have any quotes/scenarios you want me to use in the next chapter, tell me in your review!**

**love,**

**k**


	2. Happy birthday Jareth!

**I decided to give writing this another try: I'll just make them random drabbles instead of a story with an actual plot…**

"Why in the name of Hans Christian Andersen is there a marching band in my bedroom?!" Jareth was sitting up in bed, having just been subjected to a rude awakening. Before him stood a dozen goblins, clad in oversized uniforms and carrying various instruments—and, in a weird form of hero worship, they all had socks shoved down the front of their pants. Mousy was in the lead, with his twirling baton thrust high in the air.

"Happy birthday, King!" he squealed gleefully. He whirled around and gestured wildly to the other goblins. They began to blow crazily on their instruments, elation written all over their wrinkled faces.

"SHUT UP!" Jareth howled, his hands clasped over his ears. "IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE SHUT UP!" silence. Jareth sighed with relief and opened his eyes. Every goblin stared at him, stunned. Mousy started to sniffle.

"No, no, no, I didn't mean it that way!" he said hurriedly, starting to get out of bed, but to no avail. The goblins were crying hysterically and tears were pouring down their cheeks.

"It was lovely! Lovely! Thank you." Jareth kneeled in front of Mousy, trying to assure him that their gift was appreciated. Mousy sniffled again.

"Really?"

Jareth nodded. "Really. But, please, next year, just get me a card."

**A little inspiration from Pika_la_Cynique: **.com/fs24/f/2007/330/c/5/LABYRINTH___Envy_by_Pika_la_

**This is Mousy, the one with the fishtail on his head: **** innit he just adowabwe!!!!**

**Thanks for reading!!! Again, please tell me quotes or scenarios you want me to use in the next chapter!**

**If you review this time around, your army of shirtless Jareths will be coated in chocolate :3**

**love**

**k**


	3. Drabbley Drabble

**Thanks to all my reviewers! I love you all…**

**X-Jareth-X**

**High Elf Queen**

**Violet**

**I must confess, this chapter isn't all mine…I was looking through some old Neopets magazines and saw this story. I tweaked it, added stuff, got rid of stuff and here it is!**

"…To think that I was actually EXCITED to leave that overcrowded petshop! It has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me! You suuure proved me wrong, didn't you? You!" Jareth howled at the top of his lungs, unable to contain his fury. His owner, a certain brunette named Sarah, gaped at him, eyes wide. Jareth paced back and forth in front of her, his tail waving madly in the air.

"You lock me in this stupid, empty house and torture me! You sicken me!" Jareth bared his teeth and walked in circles around Sarah.

"Don't give me that look, you swine! You know how cruel you are! Shall I list your offences?" he planted his feet on the ground and glared up at her. "Let's start with the practice you call 'holding and petting'? I like all four of my feet stuck on the ground, I'll have you know. I do not appreciate dangling from your arms like laundry! When I am sleeping, the last thing I want is to be picked up! I do NOT want my fur rubbed in different directions, nor do I want to be bounced up and down like a ball. Speaking of balls, those red bouncy 'toys' that you buy me are the oddest contraptions I have ever seen! When you coo at me in that irritatingly high voice and throw one directly at me, I don't feel the last bit inclined to be playful!"

Sarah cocked her head and leaned down. "What's wrong, Jareth? Do you need to go out?" Jareth nearly screamed.

"You mock my pain!!! You have no respect for how I feel! Why else would you try to poke holes in my skin with that abominable bristly thing, or throw me in the tub and nearly drown me? And the bows! Pink bows everywhere! Thanks to you, no one can respect me!" he sighed. "I had dreams, you know. I dreamed of being a leader among pets, world-renowned for my fearlessness and courage. I wanted to be free! But you! YOU drag me down those streets in a sick parade, making a spectacle of my captivity! YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!!"

Silence. Then, Sarah finally spoke, desperation in her voice. "Jareth, I'm sorry, but I don't know why you're yowling at me. I hope there's nothing wrong…" she patted his head absentmindedly. "Perhaps a walkie will cheer you up, eh?" She smiled and reached for the pink leash, and Jareth once again took up wailing…

**There, another chapter finished! Hope you liked it!**

**Love,**

**k**


	4. Dance, Magic TRYOUTS

**Got this idea last night, and I just had to write it. I promise I won't write anything this short again!**

Jareth paced in front of the goblins. "I am the Goblin King, and my backup needs to look good!" they all looked up at him with shiny eyes, finding it hard to believe that they had made it. "So show me what you can do!" with a loud cheer, the goblins ran to their places. "Hit it!" music flowed from the mirrored walls, filling them with energy. Jareth picked up his mic and started to sing.

"I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry. What could I do?" he spun to watch the goblins dance.

"No, no, no!" he cried, turning around again. "Hip swish, shuffle, kick, left ball change, THEN turn around!" Jareth demonstrated. The goblins all 'oohed' and 'aahed' and nodded at each other, then declared that they were ready to try again. Jareth gestured at the walls, and the music started again.

"My baby's love…had…gone…" Jareth gaped at the goblins tripping and falling all over the room. "You know what? I think I'll be the only one to dance…"

**There's some things I need you to vote on in your review:**

**1. Which idea should I use next?**

**a) Jareth is a teacher at Hogwarts**

**b) Jareth learns to drive**

**c) Jareth goes shopping**

**2. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like my story?**

**3. Which chapter was your favourite?**

**love,**

**k**


	5. Driving Lessons? plus a ficisode

**I really don't know what animal Jareth was supposed to be in the pet chapter. I never thought of it. He could be a monkey, maybe.**

**This chapter was written for especially for X-Jareth-X…hope you like it!**

The sun rises through the clouds on a warm May morning, bathing the lush Washington landscape in pink and orange. Even though it's only seven, Sarah Williams is already up. Her face is pinched and anxious as she walks outside to her car, clutching a cup of coffee like a life-line. We see the object of her worry walking close behind her: a man. His blond hair is messy and he is covered in a layer of glitter. His sharp teeth are bared in a gleeful smile, and he's definitely up to something…

_Sarah POV_

"No, it's too early, I refuse." I turned to face my stupid Goblin King of a husband. He smirks and puts an arm around me.

"But precious," he purrs, "this is the whole reason we even got up this early! We're up now, so why not?"

"You're going to wreck my car, that's why not."

"Ooh, touchy." He frowns and eyes my car thoughtfully. "A Mercedes-Benz," he muses, gently running a leather-gloved finger over the sign on the hood.

"Yes, and it's _very expensive_," I say and smack his hand away from the car. "So if you want to learn to drive, you're going to have to find another car to use." He grins wolfishly.

"No problem." He waves his hand, and a small crystal ball is suddenly nested in his palm. He tosses it up in the air and mutters something under his breath and POOF, there's an exact copy of my Mercedes…in green.  
"A green Mercedes?"

"Whyever not, precious?" he raises an eyebrow at my uncertain tone. "You don't like it?"

"…it looks like a Christmas tree." He scowls again and flicks his hand. The green paint was replaced with a flame pattern.

"Better?" um…no, but I didn't know how to tell him that flames on a Mercedes were generally frowned upon, so I forced a smile and said:

"It'll do. Now get in the car."

_Jareth POV_

Sarah was sitting next to me, an expression of pure terror on her face. She was so breathtaking when she was afraid, and even more so when she was irritated—my sole purpose in life (besides being the Man in Her Life) was to get on her nerves. Thus, the flame pattern. It _was_ rather hideous, but I'd fix it later.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked me, having abandoned her coffee for the door handle.

"Yes, gorgeous." I grabbed the keys from her grip and turned them in the ignition. The car made a pleasant humming noise. Time to have a little fun… "Now, what does this thing do?" I lifted up my foot and slammed it down on the gas. The Mercedes shot forward at full speed. We went roaring down the nearest back road, and I executed several hairpin turns flawlessly (if I do say so myself). Sarah was screaming in my ear, too hysterical for actual words. I chuckled to myself and slowly eased my foot off the gas and onto the brake. The car slid silently to a stop on the abandoned road and sat, humming and waiting for my next command. Next to me, my stunner of a wife was still shrieking, so I waited patiently for her to stop. Her scream eventually died down, and she gaped at me, breathing heavily.

"You son of a—!" Sarah exclaimed and jabbed me in the shoulder. "You" JAB "knew" JAB "how" JAB "to" JAB "drive" JAB "all" JAB "along!" JAB

"Guilty as charged, precious." I smiled wickedly at her and lifted my foot again.

"Don't you DARE!" that last word ended in a scream, because I hammered my leg down, and we were off again.

**Violet, I just got your message today, after this was already written. This unbeliveably short drabble here is for you:**

"Just love me, fear me, do as I say, and I will be your slave." Jareth turned on his persuasive powers to full blast and shot Sarah a

seductive stare. Sarah smirked.

"So...I do as you say, and you do as I say."

Jareth was puzzled. "Um, yes."

"Okay, then!"

_That was fast, _Jareth thought, quite pleased with his manly charms. He leaned in to kiss her, but she put a hand on his chest.

"Not so fast, mister." Sarah smirked again. "On the matter of Toby..."

"He's mine." Jareth crowed triumphantly. "You gave in, you didn't win in time!" she laughed at his folly.

"As I recal, you said you'd do as I say." Before he could reply, she quickly said "You, Jareth, will do exactly as I say, forever and ever, no reversing or loopholes, and you will never ask or command me to do anything I don't want to."

Jareth stared at her for a second, then cursed. "Damn!" Sarah laughed.

"Now, about Toby." Jareth sighed and sent Toby back to Earth with a flick of his hand.

"You tricked me!" he said angrily, but before he could protest more, she pulled him into a kiss.

"I'm a smart girl. What did you expect?"

**I've always wondered what would've happened if Sarah had discovered that loophole. Now we know! If you review, David Bowie will come and trick-or-treat at your house this Halloween...**

**love,**

**k**


	6. Poetic Justice PART 1

**Does anybody even read the authors notes at the top of the page? I DON'T. pooooooo poooooooooo pooooooooooooooooooooooo bummy bum bum. ANYBODY OUT THERE???!!!! Guess not. –giggle giggle- **

"I am the Goblin King, dammit, let me in!" Jareth paced back and forth angrily in front of the grimy dwarf.

"If you were REALLY the Goblin King, you wouldn't be running the Labyrinth. You'd be INSIDE." The dwarf cast him a condescending look and shook his head at the stranger's foolishness. Jareth gave a little scream in exasperation and stomped perilously close to the dwarf's foot.

"If you MUST know, I was locked out."

"If you're really the Goblin King, you could open the door yourself!" the dwarf countered.

"You know just as well as I do that the door can't be open OR found by magic, and that the Doorkeeper is the only one who can open it!"

"Your point being…?"

"Where is Higgle?"

"Hoggle?"

"Yes. WHERE IS HE?" Jareth crouched down to look the dwarf in the eye and bared his sharp teeth menacingly. The dwarf, unfazed, returned the glare.

"Sick. I'm his replacement, Gog." Gog thumped his small fist into his chest.

"And I'm supposed to care WHY? I am your KING, and I am COMMANDING YOU to let me in!" the skies darkened, lightning flashed, wind raged and suddenly there were crows flying all around His Royal Viciousness' wild blond hair.

"Yes, yes, you're very intimidating." Gog waved his hand dismissively at the now ruffled Goblin King and rolled his bloodshot eyes. "But the REAL Goblin King is much more…SPARKLY." Jareth groaned and threw his hands in the air, showering glitter over the barren landscape.

"Good 'nuff." Gog waved his hand again at the wall, and a door appeared and creaked open. Jareth stalked inside, cursing Sarah. Not that he'd admit it, but the clever girl locked him out.

**It's so short!!! I KNOW I KNOW I'm evil. I'm sorry I haven't updated for a while, but I was on holiday, so I couldn't. Moving on…lessee, reviewers this time can have…um…a Wheel of Destiny? A trolley full of salmon? The spinning teacup ride from Disneyland? Never miiiiiiiiiind. **

**This is the start of a series where Jareth tries to get through the Labyrinth. Suggestions?**

**I thought you guys might be getting a bit tired of parodies, so VOILA!**

**love,**

**k**


	7. Poetic Justice PART 2

'**Kay, guys, if nobody reviews, I'll take it as an "I hate this story, it's awful" and I'll either delete it or put it on hiatus. If you're a frequent reviewer, I wait for your feedback with bated breath, and I mean that quite literally. ARE YOU LOSING INTEREST IN MY STORY???!!!! –passes out- Well, now that the serious business is over, I would like you to go thank three people:**

**X-Jareth-X, because without her, this would only have been a one-shot. She made me feel guilty, so…I made more chapters.**

**Cyllene, because she was my muse for this chapter.**

**Cyllene and leannapotter, because they were THE ONLY ONES WHO REVIEWED CHAPTER 6. They were what kept me going this time around. Thank you. (yes, that **_**was**_** a guilt jab)**

**Fly, little monkeys, fly. Go thank them…done? Good. Now we can continue on to the good stuff: CHAPTER 7!!!**

Jareth stumbled into the clearing, near tears. His devilishly handsome face was crumpled in a mournful expression, his normally tight pants quite saggy. He tripped over a root and fell face-first into the orange leaves covering the ground. And then, Jareth, the Ice King, started to cry.

**(Authors Note: Hahahahaaaa, did that make you sad? That's what you GET for not reviewing!!!)**

Suddenly, several orange blurs tumbled into the clearing. They did some twirling, flips and removal of body parts to a beachy tune, until they realized nobody was watching.

"We wasted all that talent for nothing," one with a fat head growled to another.

"Yeah, you'd think he'd be grateful that we'd put on a show just for him!" a particularly fluorescent one squealed in agreement. Jareth lifted his head wearily to see what all the fuss was about. His gaze landed on the gangly creatures and he quickly dropped his head and cursed.

"Fireys damnit damnit damnit." Jareth swore a bit louder than he'd intended, and the fireys' attention quickly turned to him.

"OOOH there's our audience!" they all cooed, pushing and shoving each other in their mad scramble to get to him first. The fireys all crowded in around him, eager to criticize.

"He's too awesome!"

"He's wet."

"Why is he wet?"

"He's cuuuuuuuuuuute!"

"It can't possibly be legal to wear your pants THAT tight…"

"No, no, no, this won't do." a particularly bold firey had yanked poor Jareth's face up to his own. He gestured for his neighbor to look.

"He looks sad." Jareth's makeup had run all the way down to his chin, and he had massive bags under his eyes. His hair looked like a bird's nest. His royal person was shockingly devoid of glitter, and altogether not proper for a king. All the fireys murmered in agreement and shoved their faces into his.

"I'm not sad!" Jareth protested, shoving them all away. Their heads rolled away down a small hill, but Jareth didn't wait for them, he continued:

"My wife locked me out, Gog wouldn't let me in, I fell in a ridiculously large puddle, and I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I CAN'T NAVIGATE MY OWN LABYRINTH!!!" Jareth finished, breathing heavily. He looked accusingly at the fireys, then stomped off to the far corner of the clearing, where he began throwing large fistfuls of leaves in the air and spinning in circles, shouting: "I'm a faery king! I'm a faery king!"

The fireys exchanged knowing looks.

"I know what he needs!"

_10 minutes later…_

Jareth was newly bedecked in black pants the fireys had laying around somewhere. His boots and shirt were hanging on a tree to dry, but he had made a cloak for himself out of fallen leaves. His hair and makeup were once again impeccable, and he had thrown a fresh layer of red glitter over himself. He was, if I do say so myself, gorgeous.

Jareth took his place in the center of the clearing and nodded. Myriad lights flashed and danced through the trees. The beachy music started up again, echoing in loudly from outside the clearing. The fireys once again jumped out of their hiding spots and formed a ring around him.

_Let's skip the descriptions the hip gyrations, foot taps, hair shakes, etc. and skip on to the end of the dance, shall we?_

Jareth took a bow, and the fireys cheered loudly.

"Best performance yet!"

"We should do this every time you send us someone to rip to shreds!"

He smiled dotingly at his fans, waved, and walked off in the direction of his castle.

"Wait! Mister! We forgot to take off your head!"

**The end of another chapter…you like?**

**I need specific requests for next chapter, thaaaaaaank yooo very muchy muchy.**

**I love my reviewers, they are amazing! Flames keep me warm at night, you know…**

**love,**

**k**


	8. Best Chapter Ever

Before I write the last part of 'Poetic Justice,' I need a Mary-Sue. SO, I am hosting a Mary-Sue contest…if your Mary-Sue wins, she will be my official _Labyrinth_ Mary-Sue. Also, I don't have a "prize" yet. I could write you in as Jareth's wifey, or I could write a story for you, I DON'T KNOW. If you choose to participate, please enter by commenting. I need all entries to be submitted by September 25 (That would be Friday. 3 days, people.) Please also suggest a "prize."

DETAILS FOR MARY-SUE: name (first, middle, last), appearance (hair, eyes, etc.), special powers/talents, heritage, the usual Mary-Sue shmazz.

Please keep it PG

Thank you.

love,

k


	9. I'M SORRY

I'm back! Yay?

Sorry for the near-3-year hiatus. I don't really have a good excuse. I switched schools, went to Australia, got 2 new dogs, and have still never kissed anyone. So there, you're up to date on my life.

ANYWAYS, if anyone still cares about this story, the winner of my Mary-Sue contest is Elisabeth Hill's "Princess Hannah of Eternal Stench." You're fabulous, darling, and I can't wait to write about her (and I do believe I promised you a virtual prize of some sort. Pick your poison).

This story WILL be updated at least twice by September. I can't promise more than that, as I am currently working 4 jobs along with school, but I'll try.

I made this account when I was younger and more immature-instead of changing things on this one, I'm thinking of leaving it as-is for the sake of showing my future friends and children how weird and hilarious I was in those days. In that case, I would make a new account, and re-post and continue my stories there. I will let you all know if that happens.

If y'all want, I've written a pretty awesome poem, Jareth POV. If you forgive me for my long hiatus, please let me know, and I'll post the poem as the first of many thank-you gifts :)

Also, vote on the following for the next chapter:

1. Jareth at the supermarket

or

2. Jareth at the library

Again, I apologize for the wait, but I PROMISE it will be worth it. I hope?

love,

k


End file.
